Feeling Without Emotions
oday i had a day off, first time in a long time i might add. i decided to spend it at home and relax and listen to some music. when a particular song made me think of myself as a person. the name of that said song was “In for the kill” by La roux. it wasn’t until i heard the lines what are feelings with out emotion’s that i started to wonder. i recently disbanded from a relationship the reason of the break up was due to the fact that i never allowed my partner to actually come close to or “let her in” as i was told. Till this point i still don’t understand what she meant by that because i simply ignored it
why you might ask?
to tell you the truth i don’t really know honestly when she left i felt sad but it didn’t show i simply put a smile on and said i wish her the best. After that i didn’t think anything was wrong i simply went on with my life as if nothing happened the very next day i thought about her but the thought would simply disapper like most problems in my life.
until to days ago i talked with my friend Hadassah who has supported my though my recent challenges in my life that she brought up that i don’t truly express my self.
I got to thinking that it’s sort of true.
did you know that the last time i cried was when i was in the fifth grade when i was pushed out of a tree house and broke my arm. that was the last time i ever shed a tear.
i have been and many relationship some ended on good terms other not so much but to me it didn’t matter because i always felt the same in the end indifferent
Even when i’m angry i never argued with anyone cause i just didn’t see the point.
Why?
That’s easy cause to tell you the truth i’m never really mad i simply act mad because that’s what a normal person would do but inside i probably didn’t really care much for the situation really.
don’t get me wrong i’m not a lifeless robot i do have feelings but just no emotions to back them up.
i know its sounds confusing but just bear with me for the moment and let me explain.
i do feel all the feeling a human does such as sad, loneliness, happiness, anger, disappointment,etc
but i never show it to other’s
and if i do it’s only to my closest friend’s
sometimes not even my own mother knows what going through my head. who know’s maybe this is why i got into blogging
and hopes that i can let what bottle up out.
Depression
how do you go about depression?
how does one now he is depress?
does he hurt?
does he cry?
does he remain silent?
what is depression?
is it failure?
truth?
or lost hope?
broken ideals?
crushed spirit?
do we need it?
how can we fight it?
friends?
drugs?
alcohol?
or should we accept it?
welcome it?
become one with it?
no matter what the choice is you just can’t help but smile at the answers
Family
Family. family is a word that for others contains love, understanding, compassion, frustration, sacrifice, and motivation
For me how ever that word contains a vocabulary of different sorts such as hate, betrayals, let downs, lies, loveless, and deception
However it wasn’t always like that i was born into a family of me my two older brothers and sister. When i was born my father left my mother it was a have lose to my siblings and mother but not for me because i never depended on him. i was brought up in Louisiana within the french quarter district until i was three then moved to new york till i was seven then to Florida. Now back then my family had their faults
An single alcoholic of a mother who was never home because she would always be working to jobs to make us a living.
an abusive older brother that would let out his frustration on his smaller siblings.
a sister who would like to experiment with my head by placing her twisted ideals of life in there.
and another older brother who outcast himself from the family.
and me a boy who always seemed to be emotionally unstable.
even with all this faults we were happy until one day my mothers older sister moved in with her daughter, then are happy little family went to complete shit
you see my mom was always a push over and never liked to be stressed out by things so she basically let my aunt do whatever she pleased and to shorten the story she basically become a tyrant to the point all of my sibling ran away the moment the graduated from high school one after the other and surprisingly the have have all made a life for themselves and i one point even i ran away in hopes for a better life i even joined the Marines but that idea went up in smokes when uncle sam discovered that my health is about as fragile is as those free condoms you get at the planed parenthood place and i was sent back home to the hell that awaited me i even tried the whole go to college and work thing but my aunt found a way to screw that up to the point i had to leave home and leave with a friend for a while while i went to school but she even managed to ruin that and that so called friend ended up becoming a back stabber but that a story for another time.
so eventually me mother finally stood up and kicked my aunt out and brought me back where everything was peachy until guess what my aunt came back while my mom was away then one thing lead to another and no to day is august 23 2011 i was kicked out of my own house by someone who didnt even birth me at 4:00 am because my paycheck from work didn’t come in on time while my mother stood there and watch so now im at my friends steven’s house . and so many things have happened to me this past summer where i dont feel anything at all as if i should just stop existing im so dead inside and i fear that because i don’t know what that means i just don’t care about living or dying i just want to vanish from this reality. but i cant i stuck and the only thing that keeping me tied down to this world are the bonds ive made one in which i really regret cause that bond has made me fallen for it unintentionally but with due time all will be severed. but the only thing i can do now is smile no matter what just keep smiling….forever
A Broken Fellow
Well how do i start? this is my first web blog, i never really thought much for this kind of stuff till recent events in my life forced me to find a way to let loose though i still don’t see how pushing a few keys on a computer solves the issue….well i guess i can see how it helps let you vent. Allow me to introduce myself my name is…something i shouldn’t post here cause unfortunately my life consist of beings trying to find a means to destroy me and as of now i’d say they have accomplish their goal. However, i can tell you about myself i’m what most people would consider a miserable person how/ well i’ll list it out for you
1. I hate everything about me and the life i go through
2. I have problem’s with telling people how i really feel inside hence this web blog
3. I tend to fall in love with beings that i’m never ment to be with
4. And do to recent events i am emotionally dead inside
5. Hate the way i look
6. I’m lazy
7. and a push over
8 . and the fact that no matter how hard i try i seem to always fail at everything
however if there one good thing about me its that no matter what load of bull thats served to by by this existance its that no matter what i’ll always smile.
