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oday i had a day off, first time in a long time i might add. i decided to spend it at home and relax and listen to some music. when a particular song made me think of myself as a person. the name of that said song was “In for the kill” by La roux. it wasn’t until i heard the lines what are feelings with out emotion’s that i started to wonder. i recently disbanded from a relationship the reason of the break up was due to the fact that i never allowed my partner to actually come close to or “let her in” as i was told. Till this point i still don’t understand what she meant by that because i simply ignored it

why you might ask?

to tell you the truth i don’t really know honestly when she left i felt sad but it didn’t show i simply put a smile on and said i wish her the best. After that i didn’t think anything was wrong i simply went on with my life as if nothing happened the very next day i thought about her but the thought would simply disapper like most problems in my life.

until to days ago i talked with my friend Hadassah who has supported my though my recent challenges in my life that she brought up that i don’t truly express my self.

I got to thinking that it’s sort of true.

did you know that the last time i cried was when i was in the fifth grade when i was pushed out of a tree house and broke my arm. that was the last time i ever shed a tear.

i have been and many relationship some ended on good terms other not so much but to me it didn’t matter because i always felt the same in the end indifferent 

Even when i’m angry i never argued with anyone cause i just didn’t see the point.

Why?

That’s easy cause to tell you the truth i’m never really mad i simply act mad because that’s what a normal person would do but inside i probably didn’t really care much for the situation really.

don’t get me wrong i’m not a lifeless robot i do have feelings but just no emotions to back them up.

i know its sounds confusing but just bear with me for the moment and let me explain.

i do feel all the feeling a human does such as sad, loneliness, happiness, anger, disappointment,etc

but i never show it to other’s 

and if i do it’s only to my closest friend’s

sometimes not even my own mother knows what going through my head. who know’s maybe this is why i got into blogging

and hopes that i can let what bottle up out.